Dating for Divorce plus a Candid Interview about Love, Sex and Marriage

Marriages across the world are under fire.  It’s no secret.   Everyone is susceptible, no one is safe. Divorce can happen even before a marriage begins.  It’s not fair to point the finger on culture, society or economy not even education.

What makes two people who have fallen in love go from better or worse until death due us part to broken hearts, lawyers and divorce court?  It has to start somewhere, so where?  It begins with someone but whom?  The idea that I want to inspire is more than flirtation, it is more than me trying to stir offense: it is the idea that if you want to prevent a divorce then one should avoid dating.  Humor me as we explore this concept that in its very own pretense lays the truth.

One Sunday morning as I was sitting in an uncomfortable wooden pew at church, a youth pastor took the stage and immediately got my attention as he began to unfold the concept that we are preparing our youth for divorce by encouraging casual dating.  I began to listen with skepticism, but as his message became too relevant and direct to ignore, my mind began to open and I recognized the truth. Not through the world’s eyes that would scoff and mock with ridicule and laughter at such a notion, but through the eyes of a woman, who looking back understood  unwise choices that she had made- choices that could be turned around for a better future.

I am married now.  Our six year anniversary will be around the corner, but our anniversary from the time since we started dating will be ten years.  It’s easy to remember because I met my husband on my 21^st birthday.  Although I would like to take you down the road to memory lane, I would like to first start with the concept of “dating for divorce”, give you some ideas and hopefully lead you to a solution that “for better or worse” doesn’t lead to divorce.

Ask yourself, as you dreadfully look back to when you were a teenager, what did dating accomplish?  Rash decisions based on need?  Hormones out of control that were immaturely dealt with?  Heart break and revenge?  Baggage? Hollywood always has something to say of sweet romance and youthful bliss, but let’s face it: Hollywood can’t portray an idealistic teenage romance any more than you can say your first kiss was amazing (I don’t even want to think about mine).  How many of us actually marry our high school sweetheart?  Not that many to be sure.  Why is that do you think? 

Because dating is like gambling.  You strike your eye at something you like, or someone strikes their eye on you, and the game begins.  Maybe you’ll get lucky or maybe you won’t, but you don’t get to walk away so easy in dating as you do when you gamble with dice.  Money can be replaced however dignity, your heart and most importantly your virginity cannot.  So you struck out, and you break up and then you roll the dice again.  Eventually your hand gets so good at rolling dice that you don’t even have to think twice about it.  You become addicted to the thrill or the need.   It becomes too difficult for you to stand alone on your own two feet and be somebody without the need of imitational affirmation and compromise.  Some people prefer a bad relationship over toughing it out on your own.  You’re hardly satisfied because what you are seeking doesn’t exist. It doesn’t exist because you can’t play house unless you’re married, even though most people do.  The difference is the foundation in which their home is built.  Sinking sand or solid rock? (And it doesn’t go without saying that you can still play marriage while being married and never really grasp its purpose) Money comes and goes and can be replaced, but the union of marriage, designed by God in his omnipotent supremacy, didn’t design it for divorce or a mock imagery. Jesus said in, Matthew 19:8  that Moses permitted divorce because our hearts were hard, but it was not that way from the beginning. Divorce provides an escape route, but if you’re constantly calling it quits, giving up before you have the chance to work your differences out ( how long did it take for you to discover yourself?  Double that for a marriage) a marriage won’t have enough time to be molded, defined, redefined and discovered.

Ideally teenage adolescence should be a cherished time that should be invested in to develop talents, explore possibilities, have fun, and make friends.  Not cry over break-ups and back stabbing; there is plenty of time to do that as an adult. Teen dating leads to teen pregnancy.  Teen dating makes young girls believe that they have to do whatever it takes to get a guy’s attention because they have no self-esteem or self-worth.  Teen dating allows young men to believe they can touch a girl without consequence unleashing a cosmic mentality that women are sexual objects of lust who don’t deserve respect.  Teen dating makes for a whole lot of irresponsible choices, why?  For goodness sakes, a teen’s brain isn’t even fully developed until they are in their twenties.  Why give a child permission to do adult things when their brain isn’t even able to process the information?  Most Adults have a hard enough time handling it.

Dating allows you to explore, to take a bite out of the pie before you plunge, but it also allows you to develop the mentality and the superficiality that love is based on a need, a need that another person is supposed to be able to make you happy and if they don’t then they are expendable.  Dumped like yesterday’s trash.  The more you do it, the more immune you become, and then when you finally meet your “true love” the one you want to spend the rest of your life with how much of your heart is left to give to that person?  I guarantee it is going to be a whole heck of a lot less than the baggage you’re going to bring with it. 

Dating leads to divorce because you become immune to breaking up, calling it quits, saying “sayonara”. A cold and apathetic heart makes for a poor spouse.  Take a piece of paper.  Draw a pretty little heart and then rip it to shreds.  Now put it back together.  Okay so that is more than a hypothetical visual to what happens to your heart after a divorce.  You may be able to mend your broken heart, but it won’t be the same when you finally do.  You have to solve the problem before you start, and it begins by waiting.  Invest time in what you want to accomplish in life.  Life is precious and the last thing you need is the wrong person to slow you down.  By taking the time you need to become independent, self-reliant, and confidant you will attract the same qualities in another person.  If you are needy, have low self- esteem and need someone in your life to fulfill a need they can’t, you will attract someone who is of the same emotional, and mental level as you.  Which equals, in the laws of attraction, an apple that looked pleasing to the eye, but in the end wasn’t as rewarding as you thought it would be or plainly put- a bad marriage.  Be the radiant person you are meant to be so the world can spin on its axis in harmony.  If we all had more self-control and a whole lot more direction and patience, than perhaps our marriages could withstand the fire- fire that every marriage will have to endure. 

Encourage your teen to wait to date and especially to have sex, because the talent that God imprinted within each person, like a unique fingerprint, needs to be developed, trained, and invested in.  Being a teen is the most practical time to be self-invested (in a good way).  Want to develop their character?  Short term mission trips are awesome, and I’m not even talking about having to go and preach the Bible.  A short term mission trip can involve going and building an orphanage, teaching, and reaching out to someone in need.  One of the most amazing experiences in my life was when I went to Africa.  Today, our teens are more interested in texting.  So when they have to go on a job interview or apply for college, will they even be capable of holding a conversation in person or looking someone in the eye?  Communication is the most difficult aspect of a relationship.  My husband and I didn’t even speak the same language when we first met, and now that we do we probably had better communication when we didn’t!  Why?  Because we actually had to try really hard to understand each other and somewhere down the line, at some point in every relationship you can lose focus, drift apart or become lazy.  What can bring a couple back together if their first instinct is to call it quits?

If you’re an adult that is still looking for the right person, here’s a helpful hint:  Get off the playing field and invest in becoming the kind of person that you would want to be married to-emotional, mental and spiritual health are the main ingredients in relationship dynamics.  The sugar on top (who doesn’t like sugar) is Love, Faith, and Forgiveness.  Without these essential ingredients you have a cake that won’t rise and will only crumble under pressure. 

To answer my questions: where does it start and with whom?  It starts at home, it starts with parents instilling in their children the value of who they are and that means sending them a message to not settle or sell themselves out for a cheap imitation.  Children are able to conceive and perceive the value of love at a very young age.  Most five year olds already play at house and being married-it’s only natural.  The message that I personally will give my son is: “When you’re ready to hold a permanent stable job, when you feel like you’re capable of taking care of a family and you’re ready to explore the idea of getting married, then you’re ready to date! Until then, explore the world, invest in your talents, and enjoy relationships that don’t have to lead to lifelong commitments…  Moments of pleasure can have a lifetime of regrets.”  I want my son to be able to be a child when he is a child and not encourage him to act as my pastor once put it, “A dog in heat”.  As shocking as that sounds, it’s my job to enforce standards and make every effort to communicate and teach my son ethical values otherwise the world including media will do it for me.  A child does not have to be driven by his or her hormones.  Children who are invested in sports, a musical instrument, and extra-curricular activities won’t be sitting at home bored, looking for trouble.  If you can’t afford such things, get involved with the local youth group at church.  Know who your teenagers friends are, be involved.  If children are surrounded by like minded individuals, they will actually encourage each other in the truth.  The same is true if your child does not receive love and affirmation at home, they will be more likely to fall into the hands of a predator.  

 Nothing in life is guaranteed (we can try to do everything that we feel is the best for our children. They will be the ones who will ultimately make the choices in the end) however you've already failed your children if you don’t even try to offer them an alternative lifestyle choice.  It would be naïve to think the temptation will not be there, but if I send a message, leading by example that the body is a holy sanctuary, and that God has a plan and a purpose for each of his children, my son has a better chance at making wise choices.  If I send my son a message that casual sex is okay and not explain the consequences or be afraid to talk about sex, he will only develop the mentality that his body and other people’s bodies are only for mere pleasure-nothing that is lasting, nothing that is pure.  Remember that God not only created marriage, he also created sex.  That means, God actually wants us to enjoy sex through a meaningful marriage.  You want to know the truth?  Mystery, purity, and respect make good sex.  I want to instill in my child self-worth, so that when the first good looking thing comes along, he won’t sail his ship only to sink it.

If you still aren't convinced that abstinence is the best route for our youth and marriages then consider this:  "Let's Talk About Sex" , a film by James Houstan, is a candid documentary about teens and sex. In collaboration with Advocates of Youth, the film brings shocking statistics to reality.  Take a look:
Everyday in America, 10,000 teens catch a sexually transmitted Disease.  Everyday 2,400 teens become pregnant.  That means 1 in 3 American Girls will get pregnant as a teenager.
70% of American teens have had sex and over half of their parents believe they are still virgins (this includes all religions and race) and only 50% will graduate high school.
Teen Pregnancies cost US tax payers 9 Billion Dollars a year
USA leads in Teen Pregnancy Rate per 1,000 women by 70% in comparison to France at 30%, Germany at 20%, and the Netherlands at 10%
USA leads in Teen Gonorrhea (cases per 100,000) by over 400 and the Netherlands under 100
Teen Birth Rate:  USA: 40%, Germany 15%, France 10% and the Netherlands 5%
Twenty-five thousand youth ages 13-24 are living with HIV, and the CDC estimates that one third of all new infections are among people ages 13-29
For more info please visit http://www.LetsTalkAboutSexTheFilm.com

Are you ready to consider changing your mentality, the message you send your children and getting involved?

If you think it is impossible for a young person or adult to consider waiting to have sex then meet

Korwen.  He is a handsome young man with a lot of ambition and talent.  He’s traveled around the world and he’s not even 25.  Believe it or not he is waiting to have sex until he is married.  He is waiting because he understands the value of sex and marriage.  Enjoy the interview and consider the possibilities.

 Korwen, can you tell me a little about yourself?  At a very young age, you and your family lived in Pakistan as relief workers.  What was that like?

 I’m currently 24 years old and I live in Omaha, Nebraska. In 1999, my family moved to Pakistan as relief workers. We lived in Pakistan until the end of 2002. It felt as if we traveled back in time due to living in a third world culture! From living conditions to the way people dressed it seemed as if we had jumped into some type of Bible story! It was a hard adjustment moving away from friends and family. But, I made new friends and adapted to life overseas. Overall, life overseas was an adventure! Whether it was going into refugee camps, experiencing the culture with locals, or traveling across rugged historical terrain, I felt privileged to experience such an adventurous life!

It must have had quite an impact.  You decided to do some world traveling on your own.  You studied at International School of Ministry which led to a long trip on a boat, correct?  What made you decide to take such an adventurous risk?

I actually went on the boat trip right out of high school before starting any classes with the International School of Ministry or at any university. That trip was definitely influenced by the fact that I had great experiences previously living overseas. I felt like the Lord told me to take the first semester off and travel overseas and serve in some way. So, after much prayer, the Lord instilled in my heart that he wanted me to travel overseas. I acted by faith and traveled overseas and had the opportunity to serve on a ship called the "Doulos"!

Where did you travel and what was the purpose of your trips?

While on the ship I traveled to Thailand, Cambodia and Singapore. On board, we actually had the world’s largest floating book shop! The main purpose was to attract people to the ship and view the bookshop. In the bookshop there was a lot of Christian literature that people had the opportunity to view and purchase. I worked in the bookshop and stocked books, helped people find books they were looking for and also worked the cash register. I also had the opportunity to travel out into the city and villages and do ministry and speak at local schools about Christ!

Are you working, studying?  What keeps you busy these days?

I currently have a full time job at PayPal. I’m also taking classes part time. Between work and school I stay pretty busy. I enjoy staying active so I hit up the gym and play sports a lot. I also guitar, so I spend a lot of time playing guitar. Working out and playing guitar are probably my two biggest stress relievers!

You’re a young man in his early twenties, you live in Nebraska, how do you continue pursuing a life of purpose after living such an adventurous life?

If God can use me in such an adventurous way in the early years of my life, then there is no telling what he’ll be able to do in my life with so many years still ahead! That really excites me and motivates me in my pursuit of life!

You are a very handsome, unmarried young man.  Are you currently in a relationship?

I am currently in a relationship with a girl from my small group at church. We’ve only been dating for a few weeks so it’s still a relatively new relationship.

Have you dated much?  If not, why?

I haven’t been in many relationships. I guess I’ve always been picky with girls. If I were ever considering a relationship I have always specifically looked for certain qualities. Between that and being busy that’s probably why I haven’t been in many relationships.

If you are seeing someone, what made you say, “Ya, this girl is someone I want to be with”?

Well, like most people physical attraction is important.  She’s a beautiful girl so I’m attracted to her physically. But, the most important thing for me is my attraction to her heart and how she loves Jesus! I know her walk with Christ is very important to her. Her having Jesus as the focal point of her life is what makes me say I want to be with her!

Why do you think she is attracted to you?

I think she’s also physically attracted to me but the most important thing is that I love Jesus. I know she wouldn’t consider dating me if Jesus wasn’t a priority in my life. I also think after getting to know one another we both saw that we had some similar callings Jesus had put on our hearts. So, having a relationship with Jesus and having similar callings is what I think she found most attractive in me!

What’s your viewpoint about sex before marriage?

I believe you shouldn’t have sex before marriage. I know the Lord calls us to wait to have sex until we’re married. I truly believe that the best gift you can give to your spouse in marriage is yourself!

If you’ve decided to wait to have sex when the majority of the world isn’t, how do you stay abstinent?

I think I’m able to stay abstinent only by Christ’s strength which helps me resist my own selfish will. I know I’m not perfect, but Christ is! By calling out to him and asking for His help I know I can push away temptation that Satan throws my way. Like I said before, I think the best gift you can give to your spouse is waiting  to have sex until your married. In the United States we live in a society where everyone wants to do  what feels good and what we enjoy. Meaning is thrown to side of the road and we don’t consider how actions affect ourselves and others in the future. In terms of sex within a relationship, I truly believe the foundation of any relationship which is founded on Jesus crumbles if individuals are not willing to strive for purity. The Lord calls us to holiness! If we truly seek Him and seek His will then it’s much easier to resist falling into a worldly mindset in terms of sex. 

A guy in his early twenties who is still a virgin…Do you care what other people might think?

Are any of your friends still virgins?

It can be difficult. I feel at times my own sense of pride is my biggest downfall. My pride is what causes me to care more about my own reputation than what is truthful.  I think it’s very important that I survey my heart and see where pride is taking control. By asking the Lord to rid myself of my pride, I feel Jesus throws away my pride and replaces it with a humble heart. With that  transformation my insecurities dissolve away! I can be honest and not care what others think! I do have other friends that are still virgins.

Let’s be honest here.  Our society and media practically screams SEX!  Wherever you turn whether it’s on T.V., a magazine or a beautiful woman walking down the street showing more skin than clothes, how do you deal with it?  What keeps you from giving in?

I know temptation will present itself if I put myself in situations filled with temptation.  So I try to be careful with what I watch, what I read, what I do on the internet, and just in general what I look at. I think it also helps to fill your time with healthy hobbies. For me playing guitar, playing sports, and working out takes up a lot of my free time when I’m not working or at school. So that also helps with preventing me from giving in.

What are your aspirations and goals in life?  Where do you see yourself in the next ten years?

I see myself finished with school, married and hopefully starting a family within the next ten years. I may be here in the Unites States working a full time job, or I may be overseas doing missions work. It really comes down to having faith and listening to what the Lord wants me to do! He has guided me so far. Jesus has shown me so much and has really blessed me in so many ways! I have no desire to stray away from his will. It’s up to me to me  to act by faith on his will!

To keep a marriage fireproof and prevent divorce, what kind of husband do you feel you need to be?

I think I would need to be a husband that is a spiritual leader. If I did not make Jesus a priority I think spiritually my marriage would be dead. That would probably lead to a lot of other holes within my marriage which could lead to divorce.

What really hits home is when you said, "The best gift you can give your spouse is yourself".  That's amazing when you really think about it.  If two people spend their lives waiting to have sex until they find the person they feel is emotionally, mentally and spiritually compatible and come together what better gift can you give someone than your virginity?  Although that is a sold-out idea in today's society, you are giving yourself and your spouse an incredible experience. The combination of mutual respect, mystery, and trust is what you call really good sex!  Sex that is worth waiting for.  You're going to have to break a few hearts, but I know the one woman that you decide to make your wife will be one lucky gal.  Continue to pursue a life of purpose and spiritual maturity and you'll have a great start to fireproofing your marriage.  Don't settle or compromise.  Although opposites due attract it is important to find someone you have a lot  in common with  which will allow the both of you to support each other in your individual and mutual goals. Thanks Korwen for being candid and honest.  You are and will be an inspiration to others out there who are feeling hopeless in love.  Be sure to check back with us when you decide to tie the knot!  May God bless your journey!

  Feel free to leave Korwen and other readers encouraging comments!                                                                      

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